Kyle's Tum-Bla

First of all I want to say THANK YOU!! Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope what I am about to type gives you a little insight into what God is doing in my life. 

“Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? ⁸ If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. ⁹Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! ¹⁰ Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. ¹¹ No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”—-Hebrews 12: 7-11

I was having a very bad week spiritually and was praying that God would help to explain why in my quiet time today. And like always, God did not disappoint. Hebrews Chapter 12 was just what I needed!! Now when I say I was having a bad week spiritually I mean that I was not able to get in any fellowship time and barely any quiet time with God. I am currently in Air Assault school and this week my work hours were usually from 3-4am until 6-7pm. By the time I got home from school I wanted to shower, eat, and then go to bed. My roommate, Wally, who is normally here to encourage me and help refine me was out of town at his best friends wedding. So I was on my own. To make things worse I was not being any sort of example of Christ while I was at school. I let my anger get to me, I had a foul mouth that got me smoked once by the instructors, and I found myself indulging in conversations I should not have stepped into. Recently I have also found that I was trying to fill this “lonely” void in my heart with girls. In the past it was a combination of material items and girls. Now, more than ever, it is girls. Attention from the opposite sex is a blessing and a curse. But it should NEVER fill that place in your heart that is reserved for Jesus. I found myself chasing after relationships that were only going to get me instant gratification. Thankfully God caught me before I got to deep. I believe he gave me multiple signs, but finally my eyes opened up. I was looking through some pictures on facebook of my college years. I cannot believe the sin I so joyfully lived in. My mouth had no sensor, I drank freely, I indulged in sexual immorality, and I brought others into that sin with me. I was a horrible friend and person in general.

        In many ways I felt like I had regressed recently to a point that I never thought I would go back to. I could have given up. Believe me, I thought about it. I thought that maybe I was not made out for being a follower of Christ. That it just wasn’t in the cards for Kyle Butler. There’s nothing worse than not feeling worthy. Than feeling like a failure. Then I read Hebrews 12. I believe in many ways God was disciplining me, so that I may share in his holiness. My life will never be “easy”. I don’t want it to be easy. I just want to have the strength to overcome whatever the devil throws at me. And that strength can only come from God. So I will embrace discipline. I will seek to fill the voids of my heart with God. With Gods word. 

      I will fight. I will finish strong. I must refuse to give up. I will repent daily. I will forever seek forgiveness from God. It still amazes me that Jesus died for ME!! He died for YOU!! What did we do to deserve this? NOTHING. We do not deserve his love, yet he loves us anyway. What an amazing God.

“His love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.” 

Anyone can quit when life gets too hard. When temptation becomes too strong. Anyone can live a life of sin and anger. I’ve lived that life for far too long!! I have a choice. And I choose Jesus. I choose repentance. 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”—-Jeremiah 29:11

I have been wrestling with some things for a couple of weeks now and finally feel compelled to get them written down, to share. I feel that others should know that they are not alone in their struggles. So for about 6 months from mid January of 2011 until I left for a summer running camp in mid July I was sober, growing in Christ, and just living a joyful life. I was on cloud nine. A year prior I had no idea who Jesus Christ was. I knew almost nothing about the Bible. Spending time around all these amazing people in the Fort Bliss community that were seeking after Jesus everyday was truly inspiring to me. But when I left for running camp in North Carolina I had what you might call a “relapse”. See without the structure of the Fort Bliss community I began to make excuses for why I could drink again. I justified hanging around certain people when I got back from Camp. For the next 2-3 months I began a slow spiral back into drinking, lust, and many other sins I had been fleeing from for the better part of 2011. I had lost track of what I was really after. I went back to being a people pleaser. I still am learning what it means to follow after Christ. I still mess up daily. I still battle with the urge to want to drink. It gets frustrating. I have built these horrible habits for the better part of 22 years and they don’t go away as quickly as I would like. I am tired. Tired of living such a fruitless, faithless, life. I want more. I want to be that guy that soldiers can turn to when they are struggling. That guy that can point them to Jesus. I wanna be able to put my hand on their shoulder and say “Hey man, I have failed in every way that a man can fail. And when I sought God every day that is when I succeeded.” In 2 weeks I will be moving in with Wally, a leader of one of the Bible Studies at Fort Bliss. I was very hesitant to make this decision because I knew it would mean an end to my old ways. But now I am excited. I believe I have an opportunity to make a great change in my life. And if there is any chance at success it will be living around Godly Men, like Wally. I owe a great deal to the Navigators of Fort Bliss. They saved my life. I WANT Jesus. I want him to be in every part of my every day walk. I want to point people to him. To show them the love he showed me. There is hope in my life. A hope that can transcend generations. I LOVE JESUS CHRIST. I look forward to discovering him more in 2012 and beyond. I have failed….and that is why I succeed. HE is why I succeed. 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”—-Jeremiah 29:11